ASS Gurus: The one where my secret comes out!

If you can't read that, it says:

Dear Guru Laura 
I am sorry for writing this anonymously, but I thought you should be aware that according to a certain social media site starting with F, Guru Danny is actually a naturist and an exhibitionist and is planning on attending Sewing Summit in her birthday suit. How are you going to cope with that as you are sharing a room with her? I haven’t met my room mate either and I’m definitely shy. What if I run into the same problem?Telltale in Toledo

As it was addressed to me, I had to take it.

Dear Telltale,

Thank you kindly for your concern.
First of all, you can’t have been following my blog for very long or you would know that I have appeared in a national magazine (allegedly) clad only in a quilt. So I’m not sure Danny has less to worry about than me. Here's the photo for proof.

Secondly, I’m planning to be an exhibitionist myself and atttend with only an Akubra hat, a highly trained Australian Cattle Dog, a novelty size rotary cutter and with my Aussie accent. I will wave my rotary cutter at people and say “That’s not a rotary cutter, THIS is a rotary CUTTER!”. I will then send the dog leaping over the shoulders of the other attendees to snatch packs of fabric and Kona colour cards (sorry COLOR cards) and run away with them. However, I realise this doesn’t help you with your issue. 

Rusty, the late, great Red Heeler (Australian Cattle Dog)

In your situation, I would do several things. Firstly, I would find a really cool pyjama pattern online, make it up in whatever fabric you have available and embroider your roommate’s name on it.

And to cover all, erm, bases, make these vintage undies too.

Pack them in the top of your bag with a well-sealed container of onion slices. Just before meeting your roomie, put the onion slices in your pocket and whip out the pjs. You can then give this as a gift on arrival and mention how hurt you were last time you made clothes for some (imaginery) person, surreptitiously sticking your fingers in your pocket and wiping your eyes with onion juice for actual tears. 

Secondly, do anything you can to get into the lounge pant, skirt, scarf and tshirt making classes. You can try bribery (I personally have tried bribing Erin on Twitter but she seems annoyingly incorruptible), threats (you could threaten nudity yourself seeing as you are anonymous, but this may not work as all the  Ass gurus are planning to turn up to these with their Asses hanging out) or just try general garden variety harassment. (See Katy and Danny’s previous posts for other ways of getting into classes). Again, giving your roomie things you have made yourself could have the effect of ensuring she remains clothed throughout sewing summit. I will be using clear plastic to sew garments with myself in all these classes.

Thirdly - and seriously, you might just want to ignore the first two and go straight to this one as it’s AWESOME - two words: body paint. Forget the opening drinks on Thursday! Hole up in your room with your roomie and paint patchwork designs on one another! I’m thinking improv straight lines for the back, depending on spinal curvature, and dresden plates and drunkards paths for the front. If you don’t see Danny and I at the reception Thursday night, you'll know where we are. This could also help you get into classes unnoticed if you work it like this chick.

Really, if you can’t beat them, join them. 

Regards

Guru Laura

PS If you have any serious questions about Sewing Summit you want ridiculous answers to, or ridiculous questions you want ridiculous answers to, or if you have an Australian Cattle Dog you could lend me, please leave a comment below.