ASS Gurus help Parched in Perth

Being that I am the only American on the panel, I felt it was only appropriate that I answer our next reader's question.

Dear ASS Gurus,

I am beginning to finalize my plans to attend Sewing Summit in the fall, however I am concerned by the water situation. The city is called "Salt Lake City", which, I'm guessing is the result of being founded near a lake of salt water. If that is the case, will the water be safe to drink? Should I bring my own water to the Summit?

Parched in Perth

Dear Parched,

You are completely correct. Salt Lake City was, in fact, founded near the Great Salt Lake in the American Southwest (although to call it SOUTH, when I live in Arizona, makes it a bit of a misnomer). Originally, the lake was a vast salt mine, spanning miles across Northern Utah. These particular salt mines were located in the Great Salt Valley (those Utah-ians are quite the wordsmiths). Upon settling, the founders fell to local folklore, which said luck would be bestowed upon those who spit down into the Great Salt Valley. At the time, prospectors were rolling westward in search of gold and since they were traveling west anyway, they would stop by the Great Salt Valley to spit and dribble and phlegm their way to luck. It would take many years to turn this valley to a lake, but now it has become a tourist attraction for people the world over.

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That being said, I would highly recommend bringing your own water. The cost of the extra suitcase will be worth avoiding whatever diseases you may encounter from the water sources, since, as you must already know, all the water in Salt Lake City comes directly and unfiltered from the Great Salt Lake. And, folklore hasn’t changed much. If you are looking for some supernatural help when clawing at other shoppers going after the last fat quarter bundle of Field Study, you may want to go spit in the lake too.

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And, because the Great Salt Lake was “formed” in place of the Great Salt Mines in the Great Salt Valley, the buoyancy is amazing. If you have ever wanted to float on water (and if your feet are big enough, WALK on water) Salt Lake City is the place to do it. Draw yourself a nice warm bath. You won’t even be able to touch the bottom of the tub! But do be careful not to open your eyes in the shower and maybe try not to wash your hands if you have a massive paper cut (or a tap from Guru Laura’s rotary blade). The burning is intense, and if I hear you scream, I won’t come to soothe your wounds. I will be there to tell you “I told you so”.

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Some of you may be thinking, “What if I buy bottled water while at Sewing Summit?” and to that I must remind you those beautiful scenes of rushing springs and babbling brooks are actually just wall hangings in the immense corridors of water bottling plants, which essentially bring Salt Lake water in buckets into the plant to be funneled into the clear bottles. To be fair, they may add some chlorine to clear the water a bit.

So Parched, I leave you with the decision: to bring your own water or not to bring your own water.

-ASS Guru Danny

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