Sunday, May 13, 2012

ASS Gurus help Worried in Washington

Today the ASS Gurus help Worried in Washington. As always, if you have a question for the ASS Gurus, leave a comment on this post.

Dear ASS Gurus,

I’m a bit worried about going to Sewing Summit. I know it’s silly and it will all be ok, but I can’t help but wonder “What if no one likes me? What if I’m the oldest person there? What if everyone else looks like a supermodel? What if everyone else’s sewing is better than mine?” Sorry to sound so neurotic but... well, I’m worried.


Worried in Washington

Laura took this one.

Dear Worried in Washington,

First of all, well done for recognising your points of insecurity. There quite possibly is something innately unlikeable about you, but don’t worry, quilters are very good at pretending to be loving, accepting, sincere people, even if behind your back they are commenting on your seams being three threads shy of a quarter inch. So it’s very unlikely they’ll say anything to your face. Which kinda makes your neurosis worse, doesn’t it?

I’d love to tell you that there’s an inverse relationship between how good people think their sewing is and how good it actually is, but unfortunately, there is no rhyme or reason to it. So I can’t tell you if your sewing is worse or better than others, but does it really matter what others think? As long as you have fun and enjoy yourself? Of course it does! So I have a solution for you.

The only thing that truly makes a difference is popularity. So for a small fee, the Sewing Summit gurus are willing to befriend you and talk you up. Don’t underestimate the power of people. When Katy whispers “OMG, have you SEEN Worried-in-Washington’s orange, violet and khaki raw-edge applique cat waistcoat? It’s the best thing I’ve EVER seen, she’s so ahead of her time” (for a fee of $25 or the new Heather Ross charm square collection), you’re sure to become the newest trendsetter in Quillting. Or when Danny declares (for only 15 spools of Aurifil variagated 28 weight), “You know I’ve visited that corner of Washington, and they are SO culturally different. What comes across as social awkwardness in other parts of the country is just the pinnacle of cool over there. It’s just so interesting,” you’re sure to find a group of curious would-be anthropologists hanging on your every word and your blog followers increasing out of sight.

So never fear, just apply to the ASS Gurus for all your popularity needs! Just email us a list of your low points and we’ll work out a tailored solution that will fit your budget.


The ASS Gurus



  1. I look forwards to the ASS because they are all so freaking funny!

  2. Err, sweetie, did you have a brain fart today? Check out what this was really meant to be ;o)

  3. LOL. you posted a different one! :) hahahaha... double fun. your turn next week :P

  4. OMG wow what crazy answers! Those poor people. If only you guys were agony Aunts during high-school! =D


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