The tantrum screams.
The "play with me RIGHT NOW" screams.
I don't want to be that mom who yells, "STOP SCREAMING AT ME OR YOU'LL GET A SPANKING," mostly because I kind of think that defeats the purpose of punishing a child for screaming... And the spanking, I don't really feel she's warranting that kind of consequence either.
I've been putting her in time-out every time she starts yelling. She gets her angry eyes and scowls at me and sometimes screams louder, but I can't really think of any better way of dealing with this phase. I've had friends tell me I'm hurting her psyche, but seriously, I'm far less concerned with hurting her feelings than I am about helping her grow into the lovely little lady I know she will become. There are so many wonderful things about her, but the screaming needs to stop. Like, yesterday.
Any advice for me?
You are so not hurting her psyche! Children need to have parameters that they know they must work within or they never learn correct behaviour. Time out is good, and ignoring her when she is having the tantrum (as long as you know she can't accidentally hurt herself where she is) is the best thing. Tantrums are for attention and to get their own way. Do. Not. Give. In!
ReplyDeleteOh, and Em's counsellor told me that it is perfectly acceptable to yell at them sometimes and that a parent should never feel guilty for it. Just so you know.
Danny I think you're doing the right thing, we used time outs and I'm pretty sure madams psyche is still in one piece and if it isn't she's a much nicer person anyway! Children need to know what is expected of them so that they can grow up into adults that continue to accept and appreciate other people and societies boundaries and as parents we only really have a handful of ways to teach them this life lesson so I say go with what works...that and ear plugs x
ReplyDeleteWe get the screaming too. I pretty much ignore her when she does it, and it tends to be fairly short lived thankfully. Some friends put their little girl outside until she gets the screaming out of her system, and she then calmly comes back inside when she's ready (although she's a bit older - 3). I say do whatever works - but I agree with Susan, the worst thing you can do is give in - if you do the screaming becomes a means to an end ;o)
ReplyDeleteBest of luck, it's definitely the biggest parenting challenge I've faced so far!
By the time my third went through the screaming to get what he wanted phase the oldest was 9 and our daughter (she was the worst screamer of them all) was 4. When Jay would start the oldest would just go "Great! Let's ALLLLL scream!" So the other two would. They totally overpowered Jay and so his screaming phase only lasted about 2 weeks. I can't recommend this method but it worked for him. I guess you could get your frustrations out that way, but your neighbors might call the cops. :D
ReplyDeleteThe other thing I did, if you are brave enough to do it, if they throw a tantrum in the store, I got right down there and threw one with them. They quickly figured out how silly they were acting and gave it up really quick.
Hubby will be the first to tell you that I'm was a yeller. I figured out that yelling at them didn't really do much more than relieve my stress and frustrations and let them know I was watching them and they better straighten up and fly right or there would be groundings and time outs galore! :D
Danny.....the pictures of Clara are so adorable.
ReplyDeleteGood luck Danny!
Given that my mum still phones me up, having read some latest research in child development/psychology in the Sunday papers and says 'Oh dear, there's another was we damaged your little psyche' perhaps I'm not the best person to ask ;o) Right enough though, I could cheerfully strangle the small child who lives through the wall from my bedroom (flat in the next close) who is going through a shrieking phase right now...
ReplyDeleteIgnore, ignore, ignore is my tip...... (I favour the 'time-in' rather than 'time-out' methods myself, but would never critise as I know how hard it is, and whatever works for you and Clara is best). And really over praise for the good ways that Clara tries to get your attention. I found Tanya Byron's 'Little Angels' techniques really helpful when I was ready to top myself when my eldest daughter did this for hours a day!!!
ReplyDeleteYou're not doing the wrong thing. Clara needs to know that the behaviour is unacceptable and the separation from Mummy and the not getting want she wants will eventually bring her to this understanding. My best way of coping was to shake my head, laugh at them and walk away. No diva wants to perform without an audience!
ReplyDeleteMy three and a half year old STILL sometimes does this and I say (as calmly as I can) "honey it's ok to feel (insert word: sad, frustrated, mad, etc) but Mommy doesn't want to listen to all this noise so please take all the time you need and come get me when you're done". Then I go to another (close) room and leave her to it - seems to have drastically shortened the length of the screaming/yelling. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteWear ear plugs.
ReplyDeleteif you find the answer please let me know and I'll use it on my 16 year old! Stop it while she's young if you can - I'm sure you're doing the right thing!!
ReplyDeleteHurting her psyche - 'they' need a good slap!! I have 3 still at it, at me, at each other; quite frankly I can't wait to be old and deaf! She'll grow out of it xxx
ReplyDeleteI agree -- the people who said that about hurting her psyche sound like sanctimonious prats! Your time outs are perfectly good; whatever keeps you sane is best!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you are doing the right thing Danny - she sure looks cute in the photos.
ReplyDeleteMy friend was so over her child having tantrums at the supermarket that when she saw the first sign of a tantrum, she threw herself down on the supermarket floor, screamed and beat her fists. The child was so shocked she stopped. If you decide to do that,lease, please, PLEASE video it and post it!
ReplyDelete(My terrible two is eating shoes and powercords)
The little I care for is in that phase. She alternately whispers everything which is hilarious. I think she started that as she was told to be quiet so many times, hahahaa. We do occasionally do time outs, with us going into the room with the timeout chair. I look in her little face at the same level as mine and say, "shhh, no more yelling and you are in time out." And I hold her in my lap in silence, even if she's still loud and squirmey. We sit there for a moment or two (she stops pretty fast), then I turn her around to face me and say again that she can't yell, kiss her cheek and send her on her way. It's pretty boring to be in a quiet room with someone who won't talk to you :) I think littles are very smart and understand what they are and are not supposed to do. The other thing I do is double check the reason behind the yell. Sometimes she needs a cuddle, can't reach something or is frustrated. I still ask her to stop but sometimes I can fix the problem. Whatever works for you is perfect!
ReplyDeleteWhat happened to that perfect little angel that I met a year ago? Oh yeah, she's a human being and they change. I think everyone has given you some great advise here. Too bad she's so cute, how can you be upset with her. Can you tell this is a grandma talking? I really do know what you are going through, but this phase will pass...just ask your mom.
ReplyDeleteI had a friend who went through this same phase with her child. She would simply lower her voice to a very quiet level and speak to her daughter calmly whenever it happened. Most of the time her little girl would stop yelling to hear what she was saying (maybe a little out of curiosity about why mommy was being so quiet). If that didn't work, she would just ignore the screaming until it stopped. I'm not a mom yet, but to me it sounds like you're handling things pretty well! :) I'm sure her psyche is a little more resilient than maybe your friends realize. ;)
ReplyDeleteHurting her psyche? What a load of codswallop! I bet the people who tell you this have truly unpleasant children!
ReplyDeleteJust be consistant and she will get the message. My only other suggestion is to whisper to her and say that you can hear her so much better when she uses her indoor voice. For my kids I found telling them what I want versus what I don't want (ie, use indoor voice instead of no screaming) really helped. So if you haven't already been doing that, give it a try!
ReplyDeleteI have no children so can't offer any valuable advice - but the fact that you obviously care so much must mean that you're a great mum - trust your instincts!
ReplyDeleteIf you figure it out, let me know! We are out of the constant screaming, but my 3.5 year old still throws tantrums a lot. I've started telling her if she keeps yelling and not using an indoor voice she can go stand in the backyard. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
ReplyDelete